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914Driver
914Driver MegaDork
3/19/21 2:49 p.m.

In reply to CJ (FS) :

Quite popular with the Irish also.

 

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.

Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays, but in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.

mtn
mtn MegaDork
10/20/21 8:40 p.m.

Did you know that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just one alloy? What a steel!

jgrewe
jgrewe HalfDork
10/20/21 8:50 p.m.

What is brown and rhymes with snoop

 

 

Dr. Dre

StilettoSS
StilettoSS New Reader
10/23/21 7:54 a.m.

Obligatory Pirate Joke:

A pirate walks into a bar (see, I just hit both the "pirate" and "walks into a bar" check boxes in one short sentence!). The bartender looks up and asks, "why do you have a ships wheel on your pants"? The pirate replies, "arr, it's drivin' me nuts"!

 

Data Analyst Humor:

If it can't be expressed in an equation it's just an opinion. (Ok, maybe this one is true)

Being a data analyst is like riding a bike. Only the bike is on fire, you're on fire, and you're in hell. (My boss sent this one to me shortly before she quit. Coincidence?)

 

 

Pete. (l33t FS)
Pete. (l33t FS) MegaDork
10/23/21 8:11 a.m.
StilettoSS said:

Obligatory Pirate Joke:

A pirate walks into a bar (see, I just hit both the "pirate" and "walks into a bar" check boxes in one short sentence!). The bartender looks up and asks, "why do you have a ships wheel on your pants"? The pirate replies, "arr, it's drivin' me nuts"!

laugh

RichardNZ
RichardNZ Reader
11/1/21 1:45 a.m.

JesseWolfe
JesseWolfe Reader
11/1/21 8:20 a.m.

I have no idea if this has been posted, not digging through 65 pages.   My brother told me this joke 20+ years ago.

 

"A fish is swimming in a river when it sees a fly above. The fish thinks to itself, "If that fly would only drop six inches I could jump up and have some lunch."

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish and the fly and thinks to itself "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water and I can stick my paw out, catch the fish, and I could have some lunch."

Up a ways on an elevated bluff sits a hunter. This hunter sees the fly, the fish, and the bear and thinks to himself, "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, that bear will stick it's paw out to catch the fish giving me a clear shot, and I could have some lunch"

In the bushes next to the hunter sits a field mouse. The mouse sees the fly, the fish, the bear, and the hunter and thinks to itself, "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, that bear will stick it's paw out to catch the fish giving that hunter a clear shot, at which point he'll drop his sandwich, and I could have some lunch"

Well up just a bit higher from the hunter and a mouse sits a mountain lion. Now the mountain lion sees the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, and the mouse and thinks to itself, "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, that bear will stick it's paw out to catch the fish giving that hunter a clear shot, at which point he'll drop his sandwich and the mouse will jump out the bushes allowing me to pounce on it, and I could have some lunch"

Sure enough the fly drops six inches at which point the fish jumps up to catch the fly, the bear steps forward to catch the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse jumps out of the bushes to eat the sandwich, and the mountain lion jumps off its perch to eat the mouse. Except the mountain lion misses and goes tumbling down the hill into the river.

The moral of this story is: Every time a fly drops six inches a Bob Costas is bound to get wet."

Pete. (l33t FS)
Pete. (l33t FS) MegaDork
1/14/22 8:55 p.m.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

 

 

 

Take away their little brooms.

gearheadmb
gearheadmb UltraDork
1/14/22 11:01 p.m.

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

 

 

 

Because they're so good at it.

Recon1342
Recon1342 Dork
1/19/22 2:37 p.m.

I like to tell Dad jokes. 
 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes he laughs.

NickD
NickD MegaDork
1/20/22 10:22 a.m.

What's the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?

 

 

 

 

 

Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.

NickD
NickD MegaDork
2/6/22 6:13 p.m.

A Winter Olympics themed joke: How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling?

 

 

Take away it's tiny broom.

RichardNZ
RichardNZ Reader
2/14/22 1:53 a.m.

A farmer drove to a neighbour's & knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" The boy said, "No sir, He went
with Mum & Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.

The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to
borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about
your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the
bull & £50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Adrian_Thompson (Forum Supporter)
Adrian_Thompson (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
2/16/22 9:47 a.m.

The following is about Covid and not intended as political.  If you read it I can find lines poking at both sides in here.  If it's deemed political I will take it down, but It's honestly not intended that way.

 

  • Broad street businesses were complaining so I reinstalled the pump handle.
  • There is no parliamentary solution to the 1854 cholera epidemic. Cholera will be circulating in our community for hundreds of years and we must realize a new normal of life.
  • I'm relieved to let you know that most people dying from cholera in the 1854 epidemic have multiple comorbidities.
  • I respect the individual choices of all Londoners in this 1854 cholera epidemic. If you have cholera and want to defecate in the drinking water, that is your individual freedom. If you are afraid of getting cholera yourself, simply don't drink, cook, clean, or bathe with water.
  • We've been struggling with the 1854 cholera epidemic for so long. Zero Cholera isn't a realistic goal. The parliament simply cannot allocate the necessary funds to upgrade the London sewage system.
  • Look at that! The Royal Navy received a larger budget increase than requested.
  • The cholera epidemic of 1854 has split Londoners into two adversarial groups:
  • Those who will defecate in the drinking water and those who won't. Can't we find middle ground to heal this rift, and simply drink the feces-contaminated water?
  • The 1854 cholera epidemic has disproportionately burdened the destitute. Calls for Queen Victoria to provide support for this group have not gone unheard, and she now recommends that these people stop being poor.
  • The Supreme court ruling means companies can now take down their burdensome "Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work" signs. Great news for businesses in this 1854 cholera epidemic.
  • Our restaurant industry is ready to serve you in this 1854 cholera epidemic! If you are having uncontrollable diarrhea when you arrive at the restaurant, please be sure to hold it in until you are seated at your table.
  • The 1854 cholera epidemic has been difficult for Londoners. To alleviate this burden, Queen Victoria is proud to announce that each household in London can register to receive 4 entire squares of toilet paper! Please avoid contracting cholera during the 7-10 day shipping window.
  • As I watch excrement dribble down the pantleg of the grocery clerk and expand the puddle on the floor of the produce department, I smile. Our 'Get to Work' policies allowed this boy with the sunken eyes to meaningly contribute to the economy, despite the 1854 cholera epidemic.
  • It's not an 'anti-clean-water' protest, they just oppose any mandate for the installation of sewers during the 1854 cholera epidemic.
  • You orphans have nothing to complain about. Your parents died WITH cholera, not FROM cholera. They really died from hypovolemic shock.
Toyman!
Toyman! MegaDork
2/16/22 10:05 a.m.

In reply to Adrian_Thompson (Forum Supporter) :

Well, as a joke it kind of sucks.

Other than that, meh. Everything is apparently political now. 

 

 

NY Nick
NY Nick HalfDork
2/16/22 10:32 a.m.

So not really joke but kind of funny. I don't align with this guy selling this. The part that made me laugh was this:

"Delivery possible. Easily pulled by single wheel built ford tough pickup or a Dodge dually with a stack of helper springs. If you own a chevy this camper probably isn’t for you. Dry weight is roughly 14,200"

You can swap the brands for your individual choosing.

camper for sale

Toyman!
Toyman! MegaDork
2/16/22 11:11 a.m.

A frog decides to visit a fortune teller to find out if he'll ever find his princess. The fortune teller reads his palm and after a few brief moments of contemplation, begins her reading. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" The frog, anxious for the possibility of true love, chooses the good news first. "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl," the fortune-teller says. "She's going to be very interested in you and will know everything there is to know about you. You'll open up to her and give her your heart." Pleased, the frog then cautiously asks for the so-called bad news. To this, the fortune teller replies, "You'll meet her in a Biology class."

No Time
No Time SuperDork
3/21/22 10:10 p.m.

Toyman!
Toyman! MegaDork
4/1/22 6:27 p.m.

A man comes home from work early one day. His wife was surprised to see him.

Wife: Why are you home so early? 
Husband: I'm embarrassed to admit it but I got fired today for putting my... well, my 'manhood' in the pickle slicer. 
The wife is stunned! She says Are you crazy? You could have been hurt? Oh my gosh! What did they do with the pickle slicer after you did that? 
Husband, oh... they fired her too...

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